Disclaimer: CATS belongs to T.S. Eliot and Andrew Lloyd Webber. It is their wonderful ideas, not mine, that I am writing about. The only thing that I *think* belongs to me is the plot.
A/N: This is a birthday present for my best friend the splendiferous JestaAriadne, the amazing Jellicleful person. This is my first CATS fic, so please can you review it? Pleeeease?
The Napoleon of Crime was pacing his secret headquarters, looking pensive. He wanted to make a statement. To do something no Jellicle had ever done before. To show them what the great Macavity was made of. But it had to involve crime and at least one catnap or it just wouldn't be fun. But it seemed that the tall ginger cat did not have to wait long for inspiration . . .
'I have it!' he shouted. 'I know the very thing!'
'Master?' a trusty, shades-wearing hench-cat jumped out of the shadows, holding a stolen notebook. But then the evil, masterful grin disappeared from the unkempt face . . .
'No. It wouldn't work. The parsnips wouldn't join me anyway.' The hench-cat looked very confused, then shrugged, removed a stolen biro from behind his ear, and dutifully wrote, 'No parsnips' in his notebook.
The frantic pacing resumed. The famous brow was lined with thought, the highly-domed head was being scratched, as Macavity the Mystery Cat waited once again for an idea. Then . . .
'I have it! I have my plan! The plan that will lead me to glory!'
'Master?' another trusty, shades-wearing hench-cat jumped out of the shadows, holding a stolen palmtop computer. But unfortunately. . .
'I've forgotten.' The hench-cat looked a little bemused, but obediently noted, 'I've forgotten', then went to stand next to the other hench-cat, who was peering over the top of his stolen designer shades in awe at the great Macavity.
Once again the pacing resumed. The Great One was now thinking for his reputation. He needed an idea. An idea so masterful, so brilliant, so . . . evil, that he, not Old Deuteronomy, would be the leader of all the Jellicle Cats. Why old Deuteronomy, anyway? pondered Macavity. I mean, it's not as if he ever actually DOES anything. He just sits around looking like a rug and occasionally hugs people. I could do that. But that doesn't mean that I'd be the Jellicle leader. Then he remembered that he was supposed to be thinking. The famous foot tapped the stolen floorboards. The famous brain was ticking away. And suddenly . . .
'I have it!' cried Macavity for the third time that day. 'I'm going to eat the Jellicle Moon! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha! I WILL BE KING!'
The two hench-cats gaped in awe at the infamous cat. Then the one with the notebook leant towards the other. 'Didn't quite catch that,' he muttered.
'He's going to eat the Jellicle moon,' said the other, sounding dazed with admiration.
'Oh,' said Hench Cat 1, trying to look intelligent. 'But of course.' Then the two went back to gazing in awe at the Criminal Beyond All Cats. But they soon had to turn their attention fully to the task in hand, because Macavity the Mystery Cat was calling for his top secret diary.
'DIARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!' he shouted. 'DIARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!'
Another hench-cat scurried towards Macavity, carrying a tattered stolen diary. 'P-p-password?' he asked. Macavity had decreed that the Diary could be opened only when he had given the password. Which was completely unnecessary, but he thought it added to the mystery.
'DIE DEUTERONOMY!' shouted Macavity, then laughed, evilly, from all the corners of the room.
'How does he DO that?' asked Hench-Cat 2, amazed.
'He can throw his voice, I think,' replied Hench-Cat 1. 'Or he might be using body doubles I suppose, to add, like, to the mysterious aura and everything, y'know.'
'WOW!' said Hench-Cat 2, deeply impressed. But then he had to shut up because the Diary was Being Opened.
'Right,' said the Napoleon of Crime to Hench-Cat 3, who was holding the diary. 'I need a date when I'm free for the evening. The entire evening. This is a big job. And it has to be before the Jellicle ball. But preferably only just before.'
'Well . . .' said Hench-Cat 3. 'Erm . . . let me see. You might have to make a cancellation. There are only five days until the Jellicle ball, and you've got that big operation tomorrow, the one with the jewellers, and the day after that you're going to the hairdressers, then the day after that we're stealing more files from Scotland Yard and the day after that the manicurists, and the day after that is the Jellicle Ball. Yes, you'll have to make a cancellation.'
'Hm . . .' said Macavity. 'Well, lets do this by process of elimination. I think we're all agreed that I can't miss the hairdressers or the manicurists, and that IS a pedicure as well isn't it?'
He glared at Hench-Cat 3 who squeaked and said, 'I think so,' then dropped the diary and ran off into the shadows to book an emergency pedicure.
'Well, it seems that the choice is the jewellers or Scotland Yard. I think the jewellers. Scotland Yard has nothing on me anyway. I only go in there to freak them out anyway. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Fools! So the day after the day after tomorrow is our day. I'll need all the hench-cats here, and all wearing stolen shades. And they MUST be designer. I have my image to protect y'know.'
Hench-Cat 1 and Hench-Cat 2 both nodded, wisely.
'Go away then! You're annoying me.' They both bowed and scurried off into the darkness, leaving the Hidden Paw laughing loudly and evilly to himself at his top-secret headquarters.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
The Day After The Day After Tomorrow came quickly, and it saw Macavity ready to start, with around forty of his hench-cats, all wearing stolen Oakleys or Gucci sunglasses (OK, I don't have a clue where you get posh sunglasses from, sorry). The ones who had nicked a pair from Boots were left behind, for, as the Ruler of the Jellicle Underworld himself said, this was a classy operation.
Macavity and the hench-cats all got into Macavity's private stolen rocket and took off towards the Jellicle moon.
The landing was fairly smooth, and as the hench-cats piled out of the rocket onto the surface of the Jellicle moon, followed by Macavity in full designer astronaut gear, the stars were shining, and the moon was gently glowing beneath their feet. And the hench-cats soon discovered how high they could bounce.
'Hey, Hench-Cat 37!' said Hench-Cat 16. 'Look how high I can bounce!'
Soon the moon was covered with jumping Jellicles. Macavity himself had a go, before recalling everyone to the task in hand with a prolonged evil laugh. All the hench-cats turned to stare at him in admiration.
'Now, trusty hench-cats,' said Macavity the Mystery Cat, 'now, we are going to eat the Jellicle moon! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Get eating!'
'I brought tomato ketchup!' shouted Hench-Cat 2, and soon the Jellicle Moon was covered in tomato ketchup, and being devoured by all the hench-cats except one, who protested that 'the taste was icky'.
Unfortunately, on the earth below, some people were trying to have a romantic evening . . .
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
'Oh, look at them pretty stars. They look loike little fairy-lights,' said Mungojerrie to his mate Rumpelteazer.
'Yeah. Oi is thinking that too. But Oi is also thinking tha' unless my oiyes is deceiving me that the Jellicle moon looks a little bit too small. Is you thinking tha', Mungojerrie?'
'Oi is indeed thinking tha', Rumpelteazer,' replied Mungojerrie. 'In fact Oi is thinking tha' it is gettin' smaller as we speak. Someone is titchifying the Jellicle moon!'
'Nooooooooo!' shouted Teazer! 'The Jellicle moon is bein' titchified!'
'But oo would do such an evil thing?' asked Mungojerrie.
'I know someone!' shouted Teazer. 'Oi is thinkin' that we should be asking Macavity about this! Oi mean, a bit of stealin', loike wha' we do, tha's OK, but stuff loike catnappin' Demeter an' titchifyin' the Jellicle moon, tha's jus' not fair, is it, Mungojerrie?'
They peered again closely at the Jellicle moon. 'Oi is thinkin' that it is certainly bein' titchified by someone,' said Teazer seriously. 'We need to go to Ol' Deuteronomy, we do Mungo. We can't 'ave the Jellicle moon bein' titchified!'
'Oi is agreein' most definitely, Teazer. And Oi is thinkin' tha' too.' So the couple left to search for the wise old cat.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Meanwhile, the Jellicle moon was nearly finished.
'STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!' shouted Macavity. 'We need a little bit left to take off from. Back into the rocket.' The hench-cats piled into the rocket, many covered in tomato ketchup and all except the aforementioned picky one very full indeed.
'Good work, hench-cats!' shouted the ginger cat as they landed on Earth a few minutes later. 'Now scram!'
All the hench-cats screamed and ran away, leaving Macavity, yet again, laughing evilly to himself. And the echoing sound continued to reverberate around the Hidden Paw's Headquarters for quite some time after he had left.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Meanwhile, Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer were relating the sad story of the titchification of the Jellicle moon to Old Deuteronomy and several other Jellicles who had just happened to overhear their conversation.
'This is not good.' said Old Deuteronomy, perceptively. 'This is not good. Without the Jellicle moon shining bright, Jellicles can't come to the Jellicle ball.'
'Oh no!' shouted Rumpelteazer. 'Oi hadn't thought of tha'! No Jellicle ball?'
A great Jellicle wail went up from the group of cats. This continued until someone threw a boot out the window, which bounced off Old Deuteronomy's head. The cats looked at it quietly for a few seconds.
Then, 'How rude!' said Gus the theatre cat. 'Now I once was a star, of the highest degree, and if anyone ever threw a boot at me, I would . . .'
'Shut up, Gus,' shouted all the Jellicles except Jellylorum, who patted him on the shoulder kindly, and said, 'Remember Gus, we don't say everything we think, do we? Even if the leprechaun is telling us to. We still don't, do we?'
'But the leprechaun was shouting at me, Jelly,' said Gus, upset.
'I know Gus, I know.' Said Jellylorum, kindly.
'What leprechaun?' asked Mungojerrie very loudly.
'You know,' said Old Deuteronomy, giving Mungo a very meaningful look. 'THE leprechaun. Who's talking to us now. Standing right there.' And Deuteronomy pointed vaguely at nothing.
'Oi can't see him . . . OH!' said Mungo, very loudly and without much subtlety.
'Actually, he's standing there,' said Gus, helpfully, pointing. 'Hey, Teazer! You're sitting on him.'
'Roight,' said Teazer, looking worried. 'Oi'll move then. So as not to squash the non-existent leprechaun.'
'Not THAT way!' bellowed Gus, 'You're TREADING on him!'
'Oh. Whoops. Silly me,' said Teazer, giving Mungo an extremely worried look, and moving in the other direction.
'That's better,' said Gus, satisfied.
'Ahem!' said Old Deuteronomy.
'Bless you.' Said Jennyanydots.
'No, I wasn't sneezing, I was trying to get us to think about what we're going to do about the Jellicle moon.'
'Oh.'
'What CAN we do?'
'There ent nothin' we can do.' said Teazer, dejectedly. 'There isn't no Jellicle moon so there isn't going to be any Jellicle ball. Oi hate that Macavity!'
'Actually, I think there is a crumb,' said Alonzo, peering into the sky.
'There's only a crumb in the sky,' howled Mungo. A second boot joined the first, this time bouncing off Mr. Mistoffelees' head.
'Misto!' shouted Teazer. 'Can you magic the Jellicle moon back? Oi think you is clever enough to be doing tha', isn't you?'
Misto shook his head, sadly. 'No, the Jellicle moon is too magical and powerful. I cannot magic it back. Magic cannot bring back or have an effect on such a powerful Jellicle artifact.'
Old Deuteronomy looked desperate. 'ANYONE know?' he asked. 'We have to have a Jellicle ball.'
Tantomile spoke up. 'We think that there may be a way,' she said, nudging her brother. 'We can't magic the Jellicle moon back, but we can exchange its size with something else. We can inflate the little that is left, I think.'
'What we need is a large cat,' said Coricopat. 'The bigger the cat, the bigger the Moon will grow.'
Everyone looked at Bustopher.
'Oh, no!' said Bustopher, waving a paw. 'It doesn't have to be a JELLICLE cat, now, does it?'
'Er . . . actually it does.' Said Tantomile. 'You see, it's the Jellicle moon that we want to enlarge.'
Everyone looked at Bustopher.
'But I'm too thin!' said Bustopher in his best whiny-yet-posh voice.
'Erm . . . well you're not skin and bones, in fact you're remarkably fat,' replied Coricopat.
'That is SOOOO unfair. Just because I don't eat Cassandra's diet pills doesn't mean I'm any less good than the rest of you.'
'What?' screeched Cassandra. 'You like EAT my diet pills? That is like SOOO out of order.'
'Erm . . . well, we don't eat very many . . .' began all the other skeletal little Jellicles (hehe that rhymes).
But Cassandra interrupted. 'Look into my scary massive blue moonlight eyes and say that. See, you can't can you? You can't.'
'That's not the reason we can't look into your eyes, Cassandra dear,' said Jellylorum. 'Actually it's just because we all get really freaked out by the way your eyes kind of pop out whenever we talk about Jellicle eyes.'
At this point Demeter decided to create a slightly diversion by screaming 'MACAVITY!!!' in a deeply traumatised voice.
'What? What?'
'Is he here?'
'No,' replied Demeter, calmly. 'I just like the sound, you know. That's why I spend my whole life saying it. It sounds really dramatic, like.'
'You can't noon of yer toik roight,' interjected Mungo, sounding just like Tom Leonard in 'Unrelated Incidents' (sorry, GCSE English Anthology - coming back to haunt you all again). 'It's LOIKE I tell you. LOIKE!'
Cassandra rolled her moonlit eyes. Bustopher Jones very unwisely drew the focus back on himself by speaking. 'I say, old chap, I believe it is LIKE, you know'.
'Yes,' said Gus. 'Now I say, these kittens, they're really not trained like they were in the days when Victoria reigned . . .'
Everyone ignored him. And everyone looked at Bustopher.
'Soooo?' began Old Deuteronomy, in what he clearly thought was an intelligent opening to a conversation.
'No.' said Bustopher. 'No no no no no no no.'
'Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?' said Old Deuteronomy, now trying to look sweet and appealing.
'Give up, Deuteronomy,' said Victoria, 'you know you're only good at hugging people and looking like a rug. THIS is how it's done.' And she sidled up to Bustopher in a very obvious manner and patted his oversized paw. 'Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?' she begged, fluttering her eyelashes at a frequency of about 200Hz (hehe I did get some Physics revision done!). 'All the celebrities are having liposuction now. And you wouldn't want to be left out . . .'
'But . . .' began Bustopher, 'I'm a twenty-five pounder, or I am a bounder, and I want to keep my image.'
'But you'd be SOOOOOOOOOO much more attractive if you lost some weight. I mean, that's why everyone except Etcetera fancies Misto.'
'Actually,' interrupted Rumpelteazer, 'it's more because of the sparkly things in his fur, loike'. Victoria tried to subtly kick her. It didn't work. Teazer howled and turned to Mungo, but he was offended by the idea that everyone might fancy Misto and was sulking.
'I know! I know!' shouted Victoria, in a rather painfully shrill manner, 'If you do this, MISTO will go to the Jellicle ball with you!'
'I will NO-' began Misto, but was immediately clubbed down by another massive boot as a result of Victoria's outburst which came rocketing out of a window and thumped him on the head.
'Why would I want to go with MISTO?' asked Bustopher, dazedly. 'I'm not a paedophile and I'm not gay either.' But he then took a long considering breath and suddenly said, 'OK then.'
Victoria and all the other Jellicles blinked. 'What?' asked Victoria.
'Well, you're right, he is really attractive. And the sparkly things are just SUCH a turn on . . .' began Bustopher. Misto chose to wake up at this point and starting screaming.
Etcetera chose this moment to squeal. Everyone blocked their Jellicle ears and winced. Demeter then thought she might as well get in another dramatic 'MACAVITY!' and everyone jumped and looked scared.
But it took more than that to put off Victoria. 'But Bustopher, you'd be sooooo handsome and . . . distinguished if you just lost a bit of weight'.
'I AM distinguished!' shouted Bustopher. 'I play GOLF with a SPOON! How much more proof do you need???'
'OK.' said Tantomile. 'If Bustopher's going to be MEAN and RUDE and STUPID, then we need someone else.'
'Hmmm,' said Coricopat, enlighteningly. 'I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is . . .'
'No.' said Jennyanydots. 'I have enough trouble with teaching my mice to waste their time crocheting without going on a detox diet.'
'Now that's just mean,' said Bustopher, again, very unwisely. 'You're going to stop up having a Jellicle Ball just because you're worried about what you LOOK like? I mean, how shallow is that?'
'OK.' said Jenny, grimly. 'That does it,' and she whacked Bustopher on the side of the head with a giant bodkin and he fainted. (Well, all that atheroma in his arteries makes him more susceptible to that sort of thing - I got some Biology done too!).
'Hehehehehe!' said a certain pearl-wearing Jellicle, rapidly followed by a grumpy-sounding 'Sssh!' The Jellicles gathered round Bustopher's unconscious body and began to lug him (with considerable difficulty) towards Coricopat and Tantomile.
'You know, we could have just walked over to him,' said Tantomile, fifteen minutes later, when the panting subjects of Jellicledom fainted around her after shoving Bustopher towards them.
'Now you tell us!' panted the Rum Tum Tugger. 'Ah well, it was fun!'
'You are a curious cat,' said Munkustrap, looking at him very strangely.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Meanwhile, back in the Secret Headquarters, the Mystery Cat was beside himself with glee.
'Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!' shrieked Macavity in an evil genius sort of way, before having to take a VERY deep breath before beginning again. 'Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!' He then fainted for a short while as he had to repay the oxygen debt and break down all the lactic acid that had built up in his muscles while laughing. Of course, the laughter echoed spookily around the room for a long while before he woke up.
'WOW!' said Hench Cat 3 in tones of deepest awe. 'I really wish I could do that!'
'Yeah!' said Hench Cat 2, fervently. 'It's like, the epitome of cool.'
Macavity then came round and started muttering to himself, his musings punctuated by cacophonic shrieks of manic laughter. 'I've eaten the Jellicle Moon! There will be no Jellicle Ball! I will be KING! Hehehehehehehehehehe!'
The Hench Cats all looked deeply impressed at the rantings of the evil genius and dutifully noted this down in their various stolen notebooks, all with various different spelling mistakes. But this happy state could not last for long . . . The Napoleon of Crime soon noticed that Hench Cat 5's notebook, although stolen, sported Hallmark's Forever Friends on its front cover.
'WHAT IS THAT?' roared Macavity, standing over the cat, who had fallen to the ground and was quivering with fear, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT PICTURE OF BEARS HUGGING? HOW DARE YOU BRING SUCH VILENESS INTO MY PRESENCE???' The Hench Cat then took advantage of a pause in Macavity's tirade (he was taking a breath) in order to run away. Fast. Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately for Hench Cat 5), courtesy of the dim lighting used to give the place an evil aura, Macavity didn't immediately notice, and continued to shriek, until he was brought back to reality by a polite, Umbridge-style cough from Hench Cat 2.
'Umm . . . Master?' began the cat, timidly. 'Is Attempt-To-Catnap-Demeter- Number-Six-Hundred-and-Eighty-Eight-A still in operation? Because you've got it down in your diary for tonight, you know.'
'Aaaaaaaaaargh!' shouted Macavity. 'Did you dare to Open The Diary without the Password? HOW COULD YOU? HOW DARE YOU? I'LL KILL YOU!' Hench Cat 2 wisely decided to scarper a la Hench Cat 5. Hench Cats 1, 3 and 4 cowered in the corners, somewhat freaked out by the occasional stray evil laugh that seemed to come from behind them. You might have thought they'd be used to it by now, but Macavity got through his Hench Cats rather quickly, and replacements continually needed to be drafted in, some bearing uncanny resemblances to previous ones, and often knowing information that they really shouldn't have.
'No, I can't catnap Demeter today,' said Macavity. 'I have a manicure and pedicure to attend to. Remember?' He lovingly stroked his long and fearsome nails on his fur, and began to pack a small stolen travelling bag from Prada. 'Hench Cat 1?' he asked, 'Mauve, Silver or Black?'
'Why not have your nails striped, sir?' asked Hench Cat 1, who had only survived thus long due to having, in Macavity's opinion, rather excellent taste in the aesthetic department.
'An excellent idea,' said Macavity, before stalking off to have his nails done in a rather expensive nail parlour in the middle of London.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Meanwhile, back at Old Deuteronomy's, Tantomile and Coricopat were standing over Bustopher, preparing to biggify the Jellicle Moon. 'You can help if you want, Misto,' began Tantomile.
'No,' said Misto, rather quickly. 'I don't want anything to do with that scary weirdo.'
'Suit yourself,' said Coricopat, and leaning over Bustopher, they began the incantation.
'Umm . . .' began Munkustrap, 'are you sure you should be using that spell? Because I think . . .'
Coricopat turned and glared at him. 'Were you there when the Pharoahs commissioned the sphinx?'
'Well, no, but . . .'
'Shut up then.'
'Well, actually,' began Cassandra, 'neither were you, that was actually me.'
Coricopat glared at her. 'IF I may continue . . .' he said pointedly, before turning to Bustopher and continuing to speak. As Tantomile and Coricopat continued to shriek peculiar Jellicle words into the night, Bustopher began to roll over and over. And over and over. And over and over. And as he rolled, he got thinner. And slowly the Jellicle moon got larger and larger.
'Aaaaaaaaaargh!' shouted Jennyanydots. 'He's going to roll completely away!' Because, as you know, Bustopher was quite a fat cat and as Momentum = Mass x Velocity and he was rolling very fast, it was going to be quite hard to stop him. So all the little Jellicles ran, skipped, or giggled their way over to Bustopher, and tried to slow him down. And they managed. Only Pouncival and Etcetera needed subsequent medical attention, having been rolled over by the very large and distinguished cat.
But it was working. All the Jellicles lifted their eyes to the heavens, and saw the Jellicle moon in all its glory (in fact, somewhat bigger than before) shining down on them. And they were so busy staring at it that they failed to notice Bustopher rolling right off the edge of a cliff (which, for the purposes of this story was conveniently sitting there). They heard his scream as he went down, and ran over to find an alive, but very diminished Bustopher, who having just recovered consciousness had promptly fainted again at the shock.
'Wow,' breathed Victoria. 'He's smaller than Misto!'
But the Jellicle Moon was back, and no-one really cared about Bustopher anyway (I mean, what kind of person lunches at the Tomb?) so all the Jellicle cats skipped off happily to prepare for the Jellicle ball.
And Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer finally got their romantic evening together.
And Bustopher and Misto found true true love and had a great time at the ball.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
But somewhere in the deepest and darkest alleyways of Old London, a ginger cat stroked his highly domed head with newly painted stripy nails . . .
'Ah well,' he thought philosophically. 'They obviously haven't noticed where the stars have gone yet . . . Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I WILL BE KING!!!'
THE END
Hehehe I hope you liked it! I know the end wasn't very good, but I'm not very good at ending things. Anyway, pleeeeease review, and have a nice day! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESTA!!!