I don't own CATS..
For the challenge on Jellicle
Moon forums... I started an angsty vignette type thing.... and
then to "let off steam" as it were, I wrote this really
silly version of the same ideas In one stint of craziness. Tis.....
different.... Enjoy?!
~~~
"Hey!"
Macavity groaned. It was 10am, he was recovering from a catnip-induced migraine and there was someone yelling in the street outside his box.
"Heeey!!"
I wish I really had 'henchcats', he thought, they'd be so useful right about now. As it is... He sighed heavily. He'd just have to sort the annoyance out for himself. He started to get up, groaned in pain, swore, and lay down again. It could wait, he decided. Besides, why should he let something like disturb the mighty Napoleon of Crime?
"Hellooo?? You in there, Macavity??"
That was the last straw.
Macavity swore, started to get up, groaned in pain, swore and lay down again. Then with an almighty effort, he managed to get all four feet on the ground. His head felt like a ten ton weight.
He staggered out of the box, and then the sunlight hit him like a rabies shot. He swore loudly, squeezed his eyes shut, continued forward and tripped on a baked bean tin. He swore again.
"Watch your mouth!" said the annoying voice. Actually, the voice itself wasn't annoying, it was quite attractive, but all it had done was yell annoying things at him, so Macavity was too disposed to compliment it.
He opened his eyes a sliver and glared at the cat in front of him. It was a Jellicle, down to the last detail. Rather small, black and white, eyes that seemed to be contstantly beautifully moonlit no matter what the celestial orbs were actually doing. It was Jemima.
"You... shut up and get out or I'll set my hench cats on you..." he said vaguely.
For answer, Jemima sat down
in the middle of the alley.
I mean it!"
"But, um, you don't have any henchcats..." she said in her perfect voice.
"Damnit," said Macavity. "Er, I mean: that's what you think!"
"Yes, it is, because it's true."
"Whatever."
Jemima stood up and approached him. "You know... you're
not quite like what I thought you were like."
"That made soo much sense," he deadpanned. Then he shook himself. He, the Great Macavity, Lord of London, Feline Fiend, was engaging in a petty argument with a kitten. Well, a sort-of-kitten, she was probably older, it was just those amazing eyes filled with innocence and laughter and a whole lot of other lame concepts that made her look so young... She was very pretty, he thought suddenly. He shook himself again. This was getting ridiculous fast.
"Why do you keep doing that?" Jemima asked curiously.
"What?"
"Shaking yourself like that. D'you have fleas or something!"
"I'm a stray. I live in a box next to dustbins. What do you think??"
"Urgh, fleas are horrible! What about worms, d'you have worms?"
"I -" He stopped, and shook himself again.
"There you did it again! Don't shake bugs all over me!"
Macavity took a moment to collect his thoughts. The catnip still lingered in the corners of his brain, and he decided that was the logical thing to blame for all this. I am Macavity, he said to himself, I am evil and mean and I like to steal stuff. I am mean, mean mean... Mean, mean, mean. He clung to the mantra. Mean cats did not hang around talking about worms with sweet little Jellicle queens. Mean cats killed them on the spot.
Well, maybe killing was taking it a bit too far, he didn't really want to hurt the girl or anything...
With that thought, Macavity should have known he was doomed.
Still, he made a valiant attempt to regain control.
"Do you know where you are, little kitty?" he hissed. It was a very good hiss, very evil, although the effect was somewhat spoiled because Jemima giggled at the "little kitty" remark. "You're in my territory. I, for your information, am Macavity. I am evil and mean and I like to steal stuff. This is a very dangerous place for you, you know..."
The remark hung in the air for a moment. Or it would have if Jemima hadn't spoiled the effect again by saying:
"I know it's dangerous. That's why I came."
That caught him completely off guard. "W-what?" he stammered. He actually stammered. Then he cleared his throat. "Ahem," he said. "Maybe you did not understand me correctly. I am evil, I am Macavity and you are in great danger. I could call for my henchcats to come and get you at any second."
"You don't have any henchcats!"
"Oh yeah..." said Macavity, dejectedly. He wished he had henchcats. He really wished he had henchcats. Henchcats would make it all better... With henchcats, he felt, you could really do anything. You could just say "Strausbourg pie!" without bothering with the "please", and a plump slice would be certain to appear.
He could command: "Take her away!" and Jemima would be gone, and he'd be left in peace. Which would be great. Wouldn't it. Macavity thought for a split second and felt obliged to add a question mark to that statement. Jemima gone would be great. Wouldn't it?? Make that two question marks.
"Why are you here?" he asked.
"Looking for you. And like I said: danger... excitement, romance, y'know? I'm bored."
Oh why oh why oh WHY did she have to add "romance"?? His stomach jumped in a clichéd sort of way, or maybe it was just the catnip.
Macavity said: "Oh, OK."
"So?"
"So what?"
"Oh... I don't know." Jemima looked a bit downcast suddenly. For some reason, her down moods had already started to get to him.
Then Macavity opened his mouth and said the words which put a metaphorical seal on his very real fate.
"Well, look... I'm afraid I might not be quite as dangerous or exciting as people have said, but..." He gulped. He'd suddenly arrived at the most terrifying moment of his life. He faced it the only way he knew how to: with bravado, and said something totally over the top, but it got the message across. He said: "But how about we give it a go with that romance, eh?"
He was pleased to see that this time she didn't laugh. But she did smile, which made him suddenly sweetly crazy.
"Right. OK," said said, still smiling broadly. "Oooooh, I can't wait to see mum and dads' faces!!"
Macavity blanched. "Wait a minute - Munkustrap?? I uh, somehow don't think he'd be too happy for you..."
Jemima laughed. "He won't believe me, silly. Jemima and Macavity?? Not in a million years."
End
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