Contemplation

Serene. The water seems so serene as it lazily flows towards the shore. How like my life. My life, lazily flowing towards nothingness. Of course, I know whatÕs underneath the water.

Cold, icy turmoil. An in escapable current that sucks warmth out of all things. My true form, hidden inside this shadow of a tom. ThatÕs right, this shadow of a tom.

A tom is known. A tom is respected. A tom has friends and enemies. A tom is loved.

I am a cat. I am a young male adult. But I am not a tom.

I am not noticed. I am a prop, a piece of scenery, another shadow on the backdrop.

If they would just look in my eyes. Just take one moment to look me in the eye. They would see my life, they would see whatÕs inside.

Cold, icy turmoil. An inescapable current that sucks warmth out of all things. A current of loneliness. A current of self-hatred.

I love them, I love them all. I do. They are my family, my tribe, my clan. Of course I love them. But a cat can only give so much with out getting anything in return.

Munku cares about me. I know he does. But he also cares about the other twenty seven jellicles. He is a tom of responsibility, and I respect that.

Mephisto also cares about me. But he is gone now. He soul was damaged beyond repair and he became Macavity. ItÕs not his fault. I wish they could understand. He is misunderstood, like me.

I have considered his path, but decided against it. I am not a violent cat, and I never will be. I do not command any respect either. I could not be a Macavity.

Which has led me to the other choice. This river. This serene river, hiding its icy death underneath the reflective surface. I see my reflection. I study myself as if for the first time.

Who is that cat? Why isnÕt he like everyone else? Why canÕt he just be happy, like everyone else? Why is he alone? Is he worth getting to know?

I look away in disgust, while the question echoes in my mind. Am I worth getting to know? I donÕt know. No one has ever tried.

Who am I? Do I matter? Do I make a difference? How long would it take for them to realize I was gone? Would they realize I was gone?

ItÕs always been this way. But now my shield of na•ve optimism is all used up. There is no more happiness. The light inside me is gone. Nothing has happened that made me come here. But thatÕs exactly why I am here. Nothing has happened.

Nothing has changed. Not a step foreword, not a step back. No one loves me, no one hates me.

I am tired, so very tired. I look back at the river. I had been in denial this whole time. I had always told myself that the pain would pass, that the loneliness would subside, that tomorrow I would be back to my normal self. I know why I came here, but I never truly believed it.

One step. Just one step foreword into oblivion. The water would take me, caress me with its numbing coldness, and take pity on me. I could end it, here and now. No more walking alone, trying to feel like I am part of something. No more loneliness.

My paws begin to tremble, as I understand for the first time the concept of death. I am afraid. But of what am I more afraid? What is worse, death, or a meaningless useless existence?

Jump, youÕve got nothing to lose.

No, you must persevere. It can only get better.

Yes, keep telling yourself that. You know itÕs not true. YouÕre mired in your own lies.

No, nothing is worse than death. When there is life, there is hope.

Hope? Where is the hope? The light is gone. There is nothing left. Nothing left to lose.

Except life! You cannot let go of life! You must cherish it, protect it, hold it dear.

WHY? What has this life given you? Nothing! What is the point, huh? What is the point? What have you got to live for? What? WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!

I realize that I have been screaming the words hysterically. I look back at the river.

What have you got to live for?

Suddenly, I see something else in the riverÕs reflection. It is a blur of orange, moving slowly. I look up at the opposite shore. There, strolling alone cheerfully is an angel. It has to be an angel. What else could be so beautiful?

The calico queen stops for a moment and looks around. For reasons unknown to me, I duck down so as not to be seen. She sees something in front of her, and smiles. Oh, that smile. In all of natures creations, nothing was ever more perfect than the playful smile on her face. She runs foreword with the grace and ease of a friendly summer wind. I watch in awe of this heavenly form.

She stops in front of a tom, who I had not noticed before. Her smile is for him, as well as the embrace that follows.

Jump. End the pain now.

Then it hits me. They are exactly the same color and age. Twins! I delay the order to destroy myself a little longer.

They continue together towards the bridge, leading to the junkyard.

My fate is sealed. I cannot jump, not now. I am in love. The light has come back into my life.

You fool, this will only lead to more heartbreak!

Too late, my shield of na•ve optimism is back up. The cynical voice inside my head is probably right. How could I ever hope to be with such a perfect creature? But I do not care. I have something to live for now. My love. I can live for that a little while longer.

I am fortuneÕs fool. Oh well, I have been since the day I was named

Plato.