Meow. Here's a story about Bustopher and Rumpelteazer as got on the generator (on indiscrimination free)
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Bustopher Jones was in a state of some confusion. He was used to dining alone. Even lunching at the Tomb (on Cabbage, rice pudding and mutton) was preferable to the company he was currently entertaining. Rumpelteazer picked a small insect like creature from her fur, admired it for a second before eating it. Bustopher stared in horror, even he, the most heavily dining of all cats would not consider eating a flea, even if it was from his own impeccable fur. He looked down into his soup for several seconds before the sounds of chewing stopped then looked up and attempted to engage the feline in conversation."Has anyone told you I play golf with a spoon?" he said proudly. Rumpelteazer looked up.
"Yeah, you 'ave, on mul'iple occasions." she replied.
Bustopher, not the most engaging of conversationalists fumed inwardly. The fact was that he had already made this statement about 5 times during the evening meal. He had few other qualities to boast of, and he had done those to death as well.
"I am also a bounder you know." he attempted.
"Facinatin'" came the reply.
'Drat' he thought inwardly 'What am I supposed to say now? - That I'm essentially practically spherical?' He pondered this for several seconds. He decided against it. He was pretty sure that no female would have noticed his size as his gentlecatly charm was so much more evident. Why did it have to be Rumpelteazer though? Why did she have to win the Jellicle raffle to win dinner with him? Why could it not have been an erudite female like Victoria. Why this- this- Moggy! He was pretty sure that she and Mungojerrie had rigged the raffle so one of them won. Why bother though? was it just to humiliate him?
There was a painfully long pause as Bustopher sipped his soup, paying it just a little too much attention to avoid looking up. Rumpelteazer gnawed on a bread roll.
'Just pretend she's not there' thought Bustopher to himself before helping himself to his 9th bowl of soup. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, she could doubtless amuse herself. He would just sit here and enjoy the dinner he w-
"Moi GAWD!"' proclaimed Rumpelteazer leaping up from the table and scattering ham sandwiches all over Bustopher's magnificent waistcoat. "What's that!'
"WHERE!" Said Bustopher, torn between surprise, shock, and horror at the state of his waistcoat. He attempted to leap up and turn round to face the direction of Rumpelteazer's pointing finger. He unfortunately forgot he was sitting on a chair at the time and therefore fell over, creating a dent in the floor.
"Moi mistake" said Rumpelteazer helping him to his feet again. "T'were jus' the jellicle moon" she said brushing crumbs off his velvet overcoat. Bustopher did not notice the surreptitious paw sneaking into his pocket and extracting his golden watch.
"Thank you old gal" he wheezed as he helped himself to salad to 'ease the pain' "A doubtless honest mistake" he said as her eyes twinkled in malicious mirth. He felt a tad foolish. There was now a rather obvious splodge of ketchup on his coat and a multitude of crumbs on his waistcoat as well as miscellaneous pieces of meat here and there. He tried to think of a way to restart the conversation to cover his embarrassment.
"I say" he began "I play golf with a sp-
"Oi know" Sighed Rumpelteazer fiddling with a soup spoon.
'Blast' thought Bustopher watching her paws move. He was almost sure he saw her pocket the spoon. He ignored this. Surely the dinner date had to be almost over now, he needed a good nap and possibly some sorbet. He reached into his pocket for his watch as subtley as he could. It was not there, he was sure he'd put it in there this morning.
"Don't worry" Said the voice from across the table "We got ages yet." Bustopher looked up to see Rumpelteazer holding a beautiful gilded pocket watch. It looked remarkably like his own. He realised he should reply.
"Oh! - oh!" he said "I wasn't looking for a watch, I was looking for the... celery" he burbled, Rumpelteazer gave him a look, he stuttered onwards "I have no need to check the time when with a lovely feline like yourself" he said, and was pretty proud of himself.
"Yerrss" said Rumpelteazer looking at the celery, which was very obviously on the table. Bustopher saw it too and there was a long silence. Eventually Rumpelteazer picked up a spoon from the table. Held it at arms length and dropped it on the floor in a very unsubtle manner.
"Whoops" she said with complete lack of emotion "Oi appears to 'ave dropped me spoon"
"So it appears" Said Bustopher, who was more than a little confused.
"Maybe a kind Gentlecat would pick it up for me" She responded suavely staring at him. Bustopher looked behind him, wondering to who she was referring before realisation dawned. "Oh certainly!" he said, Wiggling his fat body out from the seat and pushing it under the table reaching for the spoon. Grabbing it in one pudgy paw he attempted to crawl back into he seat. He met with resistance however.
"Erm...my dear" Said a humble voice from below the table "I appear to be stuck, you couldn't help me out could you?"
"Whoi certainly" said Rumpelteazer with an evil little grin. She went round behind Bustopher and pulled him out backwards, not neglecting to dart a paw into another pocket.
"Why thank you" said an exhausted Bustopher when back in his seat. Maybe he had misjudged her, she seemed to be a very kind young cat. Maybe all the things he had heard were mere rumours. He realised he was sweating heavily and reached a paw into his pocket to extract his handkerchief to mop his forehead.
'Curious' he thought to himself 'doesn't seem to be there' after fumbling in various pockets for some time he was interrupted by a polite cough from across the table. Rumpelteazer was wiping her delicate lips with a very familiar handkerchief.
"I say!" he exclaimed recognising the monogram emblazoned upon it "Isn't that my 'Predator Of Mice And Rats' award handkerchief, as presented to me by the Joint Superior Schools?" he enquired.
"Wot?" Rumpelteazer asked.
"The 'POMAR' in the corner, that's what it stands for" Blustered Bustopher
"Oi thinks you are mistaked" said Rumpelteazer "That is standing for Property of Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer" she said winking slyly at him.
Bustopher deflated.
"Oh" he muttered "Looks a lot like mine, sorry about that"
"Tis o.k." Said Rumpelteazer standing up and tying the handkerchief on her tail. "Oi'll be off then"
"I thought you said we had ages y-" but it was too late, she had disappeared.
Something which had appeared though was the bill. Bustopher regarded it and then fainted clean away with a sound like a sack of cement slowly falling over.
Rumpelteazer crept out from behind a pillar and returned to the table. She placed the fake bill into a small bag and then set to work.
Bustopher awoke just in time to see a figure disappearing into the shadows with a large spoon like object in it's paws.
"MY SPOON!" Screamed Bustopher and attempted to run after the figure "HOW WILL I BE ELITIST AND PLAY GOLF!" he cried after the fleeing figure. He gave up chasing and puffing and panting bent over to recover.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed, catching sight of his feet. His prized white spats were gone.
Elsewhere Rumpelteazer was presenting a bag to Mungojerrie
"'Appy birthday moi darling" she said
"Aww, thanks dear" replied Mungojerrie "'Ere" he said surprised " this is proper posh stuff"
"Only the best for you moi dear" said Rumpelteazer sweetly.
"'Ow did you afford it?" Said Mungojerrie
"Oh, Oi just found a rich cat, willing to donate to the cause"
Elsewhere Bustopher was suffering multiple heart attacks.
The end :)
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