htmlGEAR.com
~
"Now..." whispered Macavity dramatically, "I shall reveal to you, my trusted henchcats, the most brilliant plan for revenge on the Jellicles I have yet devised!"
Several of the newer or more stupid initiates to the henchcat profession were jabbed with pointy claws (belonging to the ones with brains that actually worked on occasion) to prevent them from coming out with such witty but probably fatal remarks as "Not that that's saying much!"
Macavity "whoosh"ed a piece of blue velvet off a lumpy object. It was a perfect model of a part of London, specifically, the district surrounding the human rubbish dump the Jellicles seem to like so much. There was an appreciative chorus of "Aaah"s and "Ooohs".
"This, my friends-"
(Please note: Macavity, I am afraid to say, has no friends. The reference is merely wishful thinking on his part.)
"-is a perfect model of a part of London, specifically, the district surrounding the human rubbish dump the Jellicles seem to like so much."
(Please note: The author is beginning to wonder if Macavity is being stupid on purpose.)
There were a few more "ooh"s and "aaah"s from those cats who had only just grasped the point in question.
"With it's aid, I will explain my wonderful, ultimate revenge plan!"
He beckoned them confidentially around the table (OK: foot stool) on which the model was seated (OK: placed) and began to unfold (OK: tell them) his idea. It was a plan of such twisted and monstrous depravity that no one without a heart of pure evil could possibly have concocted it.
(And of course, that last sentence is a lie. Hearts are never made of evil. It's all muscle and blood vessels and whatnot in there.)
It was a plan of the most fiendish vice and total corruption.
It was a plan of the sort absolutely unique to the Napoleon of Crime.
It was the stupidest plan any of them had ever heard. It was ludicrous. It wouldn't work.
But something in Macavity's smile - possibly the daggers that metaphorically glittered there- and his wild, evil eyes (OK: eyes that seemed to convey both wildness and evil) set alarm bells (metaphorical of course) ringing in the henchcats' heads.
"Now, my friends," he crooned, smiling almost genially, "Is that not the perfect, ultimate revenge plan?"
In the almost total silence that - existed- for the next few seconds, broken only by the occasional breathing or heartbeat, and of course Macavity sharpening his claws slowly on the floor... the same thought made its way round all of their minds: HUMOUR HIM!
And everyone started babbling at once.
"Yes, yes..."
"Perfect, yeah..."
"The ultimate plan, definitely. Nothing penultimate about it all..."
* * * * *
"You know something Demeter...?" said Munkustrap lazily, stretching his back and yawning as he woke himself up.
"Yes," she replied, "actually I know quite a lot of things."
Munkustrap should really have known. Known what? you may ask, but you probably won't since you are unlikely to be talking to your computer about fanfic anyway, and the author assumes that you can surmise what exactly Munkustrap should have known from the context of the story. It's a story? you may ask, and you actually may ask that, having been presented with very little evidence to convince you of that debatable fact. The author assumes you will nevertheless have the courtesy to keep reading and find out for yourself.
And yes, the author does seem to be enjoying sounding rather pompous and superior and using words like "rather" and talking about herself in the third person.
And yes, we will at this point be resuming what little story actually exists in this piece of writing. (Writing??? ...Shut up, you.)
Munkustrap sighed a little and tried to remember what his original point had been before he was interuptted. "I was just thinking: you know we worked out that the probability of Macavity attacking me per fanfic was about 20%?"
Demeter looked at him quizzically. "I don't remember working that out," she said.
Munkustrap thought for a moment. "Actually, neither do I." He was just going to go into detail on the subject, but he realised in time that his life was quite complicated enough without worrying about supernatural influences. He had no problem with them influencing him, or at least, there was nothing he could do about that- it was just very important that he did not worry about them because then things could get really confusing.
"Anyway," he pressed on, "that means that every time anything happens there's a twenty percent chance of Macavity attacking me-"
"Are you scared?"
"What?"
"Are you scared?"
"You mean scared of Macavity?"
"Yes, scared of Macavity."
"Yeah course, I'm terrified!"
"OK. What were you saying earlier?"
"That every time anything happens it might be Macavity- and he hasn't attacked for a long time..."
"Mmm?" asked Demeter.
"Mmm what?"
"I never thought you believed in Fate and all that really."
Munkustrap shook his head. "Not Fate, Dem... this is different. I don't believe in Fate, but this- this is .... Mathematics!"
"Oh..." Demeter didn't quite understand this, but she thought it safer not to get poor Munkustrap confused any more.
A loud laugh rang out across the junkyard. It sounded something like this: "HA HA HA HA!"
Demeter shrugged and yelled "Macavity!"
Munkustrap dashed into a cardboard box. "Is it him?"
"Er... probably... He's the only cat I know who's got his own loudspeakers."
Munkustrap peered out of his box at the sky. It was clouding over. Thick, black clouds heralding a storm. He sighed heavily. "And he's brought his own weather too."
It is interesting to note how considerate the weather usually is for the convenience of the villain. Although ginormous electrical storms are not really usually exactlyconvenient to anyone, it has become somewhat of a tradition among the clouds to gather to watch the Battles of Great Leaders. And so it might seem surprising that they were bothering to turn up to watch Macavity and Munkustrap... but they are great traditionalists. And of course, Fate probably had something to do with it.
Macavity laughed again. Then he shouted: "Munkustrap! Ha ha ha! Come out and fight!"
Munkustrap considered this for a minute and then shouted back. "Why should I?"
"Because- because-" Macavity frowned. What kind of a question was that? For lack of anything better to say, he repeated "Come out and fight Munkustrap!" He paused. Then: "Ha ha ha!"
Lightning flashed. Thunder boomed. Macavity laughed. Demeter sighed.
Munkustrap shrugged his shoulders. "We'll just leave him shouting out there shall we? Let's get somewhere dry."
The two of them started towards an abandoned shed.
Lightning struck. It struck the spot where Munkustrap had been sitting a moment before. He looked at the dramatically smoking piece of cardboard.
"Demeter..." he said slowly, "What are the odds of being struck by lightning?"
"Not sure exactly... several million against I should think, why?"
Munkustrap jumped quickly to the side as another bolt of lightning rocketed to the ground uncomfortably near his tail. "Because it's just tried to hit me twice!!" he yelled over the thunder.
"WHAT?" she yelled back.
Lightning struck.
"Three times!!!"
* * * * *
At this dramatic moment in the story, we shall withdraw for a moment and try to put all this into context of the history of the world, the meaning of life and the expansion of the universe....
Nope, that didn't work.
Still, it might be as well to inform you as to the interest certain Powers had in this whole affair, goodness knows why.
(...Goodness sits on her metaphorical cloud and smiles a knowing smile...)
Fate was watching the clouds pass over the surface of the Earth. Fate yawned. Fate's silver breath stirred the ocean waves and caused a freak typhoon. It rippled across the radio waves and listeners the world over were deprived of thirty seconds of cricket commentary. And probably least importantly, except to the ten or so people who were sitting by plastic boxes of a generally beige-ish colour staring intently at little black markings on a screen of white and trying to fathom where on earth this sentence was going, Fate's breath just happened to waft a little nimbus and cummulus to gather over a rubbish dump in central London. And there, something caught Fate's attention.
Why that particular place? Why those particular clouds? The conclusion we must take is simply that Fate was bored. And, as everyone knows, when such a celestial power is bored, it is reasonable to expect odd events; an ameoba evolving in a physically impossible way perhaps, or a piece of plankton 200m under the atlantic ocean altering it's pigment and glowing purple for a couple seconds. Intriguing, noticable things like that, you know?
But Fate is unreasonable. So in case you haven't already gathered, you may be in big trouble. Especially if your name is Munkustrap. And especially especially if you have just provoked the most ancient sibling rivalry in the ultrahistory of existance by favouring Fate's little brother Mathematics... Mathematics! Ha! Fate would soon prove once and for all what little use probability calculations were!
* * * * *
Munkustrap jumped from this way and that (I am making hand gestures, you just can't see them.) He also jumped that way and that way and then this way to avoid the lightning that was veritably raining down around him.
(Please note: it is lightning, not rain. It is only seemingly raining down around him.)
"You know something?!" he yelled to Demeter over the thunder. On second thoughts: "Wait- don't answer that. I was just thinking that this isn't very likely!"
"What?" "What do you think?!"
"I meant: what on earth are you going on about?"
"Oh right. I meant- OUCH that was close-" he extinguished his tail, "I meant that this whole situation is impossible!"
BANG CRASH FLASH BOOM. "Oops... sorry... Oh just cut it out Fate will you?" Munkustrap yelled at the sky.
"I thought you didn't believe in Fate...?" said Demeter.
"I've had it proved otherwise," he said, somewhat breathlessly as he dove behind a tyre.
RUMBLE BANG ZAP! "Sorry, sorry... not proved exactly then... Just stop it!"
The only response was another thundercrack.
Munkustrap shrugged. "Meh... at least it's better than a AAH!" He sighed. "... lightning bolt..." he finished.
Demeter sat demurely and somewhat confusedly on a box, completely unworried by the lightning as it seemed to be leaving her absolutely alone.
"Oh, Mathematics!" Munkustrap emplored, "This isn't probable! It's all but impossible! Can't you do something about it?!"
And Maths stood on the sidelines, shuffling his feet and staring at the ground, utterly helpless. Fate had taken his favourite remote control car as hostage.
Suddenly, the lightning stopped. Munkustrap slowly lifted his head from his paws and stared about him. "What happened?"
"Dunno... I suppose Fate must have got bored with using you for target practice..."
"Bored?"
"Yeah..."
"You mean- now Fate'll want something else to do?"
"I suppose so."
Munkustrap dashed behind Demeter and crouched there, shivering. "Help!" he whimpered.
* * * * *
It was ten minutes later and the suspense was (figuratively speaking) killing them. Nothing had happened. Then... it was more lightning. But this time, it wasn't directly aimed at Munkustrap. It missed him by a clear foot- and zapped straight into the rubber tyre. The one that he and Demeter happened to be sitting in.
It caught fire suspiciously quickly. Demeter threw in a scream for the sake of it and they leapt out. They stood and stared blankly at the sudden inferno for a few seconds before their attention was caught by the spontaneous combustion of some boxes some distance across the junkyard, and a pained sounding yelp, and the leaping out of a cat who's fur was not just fire-coloured...
"Right." Munkustrap gritted his teeth and glared at nothing in particular. "This is getting ridiculous." He took a deep breath, seeming to be steeling himself for something. "MACAVITY!" he yelled. "BROTHER!"
Macavity was rolling around crazily on the ground trying to put his fur out, but he stopped dead (if only!) when he heard this. "BROTHER??" he yelled back.
"UM... FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING! Y'KNOW LIKE BROTHERS IN ARMS!"
"WHAT?"
"LOOK, FORGET IT... I HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO EXPLAIN. YOU'VE GOT TO HELP!"
"WHAT??" Macavity had stopped rolling around and was squinting, puzzled, at Munkustrap. "We haven't got arms..." he muttered. Then he shook himself. "WAIT A MINUTE, WHY ON EARTH SHOULD I HELP YOU? I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU!"
"BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T- um... FATE WILL GET YOU!!!" "
I DON'T BELIEVE IN FATE!"
Munkustrap smiled. "SAY THAT AGAIN...?" "I DON'T BELIEVE IN FATE!!!"
ZAP!!!!!!
"OWOWOWOWOW!" Macavity screeched, "OK, OK, I DO!"
"Thought you were terrified of Macavity," said Demeter.
Munkustrap scratched his ear in thought. "So did I- but, well, just look at him... he's kinda hard to be afraid of like that."
They both looked. Macavity was running around in circles trying to blow out his flaming bottom.
"MACAVITY!?" shouted Demeter.
"WHAT OWWW!"
"COME OVER HERE SO I DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT!"
"YOU COME OVER HERE!" he pouted.
"STOP BEING STUPID!"
"YES'M..." Macavity hobbled over to them. "I had an ultimate revenge plan you know," he said aimably. "My henchcats all loved it."
"And you're not going to do this plan now?" asked Demeter innocently.
"Well... it kinda involved me being over there and you not knowing where I was..."
Demeter considered. "Well, yes, that would be a bit of a problem. So, are you going to tell us what this brilliant plan was?"
"No."
"Fine, no need to get moody..."
"Ahem?" Munkustrap glared round at the other two, "We seem to be forgetting the important thing which is that we have a" he lowered his voice "psychopathic higher power" he whispered, "intent on killing us by lightning!"
"Oh yeah," growled Macavity, louder, "like that just completely slipped my mind."
ZAP! Fate does not like to be forgotten, nor does she recognize sarcasm.
"You see the problem??" asked Munkustrap, "So does anyone have any ideas as to how we get Fate off our backs?"
There was a short silence.
It was broken in most unpleasant way, by Macavity singing. "Faaate is kiiind!" he shrilled, "She brings to those who love the sweet fulfillment of... their secret looooooongiiiing..."
ZAP!
"Macavity..." growled Demeter, "I don't think emotional blackmail is going to work!"
Macavity was undeterred however. "Like a bolt out of the blue... Fate-,/I>"
Both Munkustrap and Demeter leapt on him at that point, squashing him flat (well, not really...) "Could you have chosen a more inappropriate simile???!" Demeter yelled.
Macavity didn't understand some of the words, but he was an expert in sarcasm and very able to recognize it. "Fine," he said sulkily. "What do you suggest?"
"Actually," said Demeter acidly, glaring at Macavity, "Actually, I've got an idea."
Munkustrap stared at her in adoration. Demeter had an idea! They were saved! "Let's hear it then!"
"This Fate character... Haven't you got the idea they've got some sort of penchant for drama? The weather, all that lightning- things spontaneously combusting for Heaviside's sake! I think they're just a total hopeless romantic!"
"Yeah..." said Munkustrap and Macavity together, both nodding as if they understood what she was talking about. Macavity in particular wished she would stop using such long and confusing words. "Ultimate" had been his best effort and he had been rather proud of that until recently.
"Well?" asked Demeter, looking at them keenly, like a over-enthusiastic school teacher who cannot understand why people aren't jumping out of their seats to tell her the capital of Poland.
"Well..."
"Let's just try this." Demeter smiled prettily and Munkustrap's thoughts wandered a little from the matter in paw. He was jolted forcefully back to some sort of reality, however, when Demeter said:
"Right. Now, Macavity: you pick me up-" "What??" exclaimed to two astonished toms.
"Just do it, OK- and Macavity, put your fur out!"
Macavity patted out the fire on his ears and picked Demeter up with some trepidation, as if he was half expecting her to attack from behind. This really would have been the ideal opportunity, but Demeter, fortunately or unfortunately, sat comfortably on Macavity's shoulders and directed the action.
"Right," she said again. "Munkustrap- you shout '‘Let her go!' - With a straight face!"
Munkustrap had started to understand what on earth was going on, and that made the fact that Macavity had not and was turning around slowly on the spot, looking quite bemused, even funnier. He swallowed hard, and managed to squeak "let her go!" before he collapsed into laughter.
Demeter glared at him. "Macavity, now gently drop me onto the ground and turn around and fight Munkustrap."
"Ooh! Ooh!" squealed Macavity, "I know how this bit goes! Ahem: COME AND FIGHT ME MUNKUSTRAP!!!!!"
"Ouch!" Munkustrap gingerly removed his paws from his ears. "I'm only a couple feet away you know."
"HA HA HA!" Macavity had clearly got into full super-villain mode.
Demeter was deposited with a bump and an ouch on a tyre and the two toms faced each other. Above them, thunder roared and lightning tore the sky in half. (The sky grimaced at the awful cliche.)
"You think you can win, Munkustrap?"
"Um, yes."
"Ha ha ha!"
A fork of lightning zipped through the darkened sky and ignited a neat circle of fire around them. Demeter smiled. Everything was going according to plan. The atmosphere was tense and the air was charged with electricity. (Hence the thunderstorm, duh!)
The combatants circled around, each watching the other's every move, ready to spring into action. Demeter waited until the last possible moment and then flung herself into the breech, leaping over the flames as she passed.
"Nooo!!!!" Then she screamed, clutched her chest and fell to the ground.
Macavity looked in disbelief at his paws. He could have sworn he hadn't hit her...
"DEMETER!" yelled Munkustrap, rushing to her. She was lying face down on the ground, completely unmoving.
...The storm stopped abrubtly. A gentle rain began to fall, extinguishing the flames, and the sky was overcast with a soft, mourning grey...
"Demeter! Speak to me!"
...One could imagine violins playing a heartbreaking melody over falling arpeggio figures on a harp... Or perhaps, in fact, one did not need to imagine them...
Macavity seemed to forget about the fact that he had been trying to kill Munkustrap a few seconds earlier. He too knelt by the still form of Demeter. "Demeter... I'm so sorry... "
...A lone bird flew for no apparent reason across the sky, squawking in a meloncholy manner...
Slowly, stars began to pierce through the darkening sky. If Munkustrap had had a watch, he would have looked at it and realised in some surprise that it was in fact only 2:00 in the afternoon. As it was, he looked up at one of them and started to whisper: "Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight: I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I make tonight..."
And Demeter was very glad she was lying face down otherwise she'd have had a hard job concealing her laughter.
"Oh Demeter..." Macavity said soulfully. "I wish I'd told you! I- I love you!"
That did it. "WHAT?" screamed Demeter, jumping up, "Well I don't love you!" She paused, then said apolgetically, "Er, sorry... But I'm Munkustrap's mate now remember?"
Munkustrap himself gave her a hug. "OK, Dem, that scared me! Why'd you have to be such a good actress?"
Macavity sniffled slightly. "That's OK, Demeter," he said, "that's fine, y'know, I'm cool with that. But... can we still be friends?"
"Of course," she said kindly.
"Thank you so much! I love you guys!" Macavity wailed.
Munkustrap and Demeter exchanged worried glances and all three of them embraced awkwardly.
...The rain stopped and a shaft of sunlight shone through a gap in the clouds (in the same "magical" way the stars had) and illuminated the three reconciled cats...
And Macavity had a chance to whisper: "Ha ha ha! You're not the only one who can act, Demeter."
High above them, the unsuspecting Fate smiled and sighed dreamily. Much as she enjoyed zapping unsuspecting victims with lightning, she was a sucker for a happy ending...
THE END
A/N: Well... congrats if you read this far! Did anyone get any of that or find it the least bit funny or was I just rambling to myself again?? I've so far got quite negative feed back from my un-CATS-initiated family :(
Hehe... I notice I have some "thing" about making Macavity kinda dim in my silly fics... dunno, I just think he's funny like that!
And another note: I do not believe in Fate. And it's perfectly safe for me to say that cos I've got her favourite lipstick! ^_^
htmlGEAR.com