[The cats are hanging around
the Junkyard. Many are still sleeping off a rather large lunch]
(You would've thought they'd have realised by now that fanfic
authors strike [figuratively speaking] most often at this time
of day!)
A: OKAY everyone!!! Listen up. It's time for a play. [Silence. Long pause. No response] LISTEN!!!
[Misto uncurls and sniffs]
Misto: It's the Author, you folks!
[They sit up yawning]
Skimble: Why'd she
have to come now? I've been awake since last Friday and
working. A cat needs his rest.
A: OK Skimble, you're excused....for now anyway.
Skimble: [Bows] Thankyou, Miss Lina. [To the other cats, who are sniggering] What? Politeness is never wasted. Well, I'm off for another nap! [Exits humming]
Demeter: Munkustrap oughtn't to be doing anything strenuous so soon after that fight with Macavity. I'm ever so sorry, but-
Jellylorum: That's alright dear, I'm sure he can rest instead.
And Electra and Bomba and you can go with-
A: [With heavy sarcasm] (100 kilograms actually. Shut up. I didn't want to know that!) EXCUSE ME! I'm afraid I decide who gets to not participate. Not you. [Loses cool] WE HAVE A PLAY TO REHEARSE AND I NEED THEM ALL HERE!!!!!!!
Teaza: 'Ow come Skimble gets
off? 'E slept all yestersay. Oi reckon 'e's gone t'watch the
football!
[Author grinds teeth]
A: Go fetch him. NOW!
[Teaza runs off gleefully] [Then returns]
Teaza: Scuse me, 'e's in the cupboard and 'e won't come out. Can Oi 'ave Mungo to 'elp me?
A: Whatever.
[Mungo and Teaza race off gleefully]
(I know the Author appears kinda dumb not to realise they're
simply avoiding acting, but hey!)
A: Now let's actually START,
shall we? There's a lot of work to do and it won't get done if
we just sit here looking at it!
(My teacher's ALWAYS saying that and I would LOVE to say what
Mungo does)
Munk: Looking at what?
Demeter: [Slightly too loudly] Don't worry. I don't think she knows herself.
A: I DO KNOW!!!!
Jenny: No need to bite her head off. She was only trying to help.
A: HELP?!
Jenny: Yes dear.
A: Unless you get your interfering nose out of her this minute, I'll explode. Why can't you just-
Jenny: Losing your temper never
solves anything.
[A seems to be about to explode]
Misto: Tick, tick, tick.
A: What?
Misto: Bombs.
A: Bombs?
Misto: Explode. Bombs. Tick, tick, tick.
A: ???
Jenny: He means you look a little flushed, dear.
A: WHAT???????!!!!
Etc: Jenny! The cockroaches are eating icecream with their soup spoons!
Jenny: Oh no! [Rushes off]
Tugger: Clever Cetty. Way t'go girl!
Etc: [Beams]
A: Electra. Begin. Play. Now.
Electra: One day, Demeter
was walking around on Mount Olympus, when. HEY, this is Greek
Mythology. Can we do Electra? PLease, pretty please???
A: Next time. Get on with the speech.
Electra: Cool...Olympus when she received terrible news!
Tugger: Yeah, she'd grown horns.
A: Shut up. Go on Demeter.
Demeter: [No expression] Oh no, oh woe, oh gloom oh doom...Quit the rhymes...my dear, darling, sweet...anything else?...lovely daughter... hang on, I don't have a daughter!
A: It's a PLAY for chrissake.
Demeter: ...Daughter has been stolen away by Hades!
Tugger: Who's this daughter? [Victoria looks knowing]
A: Etcetera of course! [Victoria looks VERY annoyed]
Etc: Really?
A: Yes. Now say the lines.
Etc: The lines?
A: Yes.
Etc: [Teasing] [Very over-the-top] The LINES!!!
A: NO! Read your part.
Etc: Oh right. [Winks at everyone] I getcha. My name is Persetcetera and I'm so happy and young and sweet and lovely and...[Looks at author] I am???
Victoria:Of course not. It's only a play, stupid.
Etc: I'm not ugly, am I?
Jemima: No of course not. Don't worry Cetty, she's just jealous coz she thought she'd be the daughter.
Victoria: I am NOT jealous!!!!
Jemima: [Calmly] Yes you are. Go on Cetty.
Etc: ...And innocent. Ha
ha ha! Isn't this fun, frolicking in the fields with my beautiful
nymphs.
[Old Deuteronomy, Rumpus Cat and Cassandra dance in. Floor
shakes. Cassandra starts flirting with GRC]
Jelly: Kittens Warning. Alert. Alert. [Puts paws over Jemima's eye]
Jemima: Ow! Get off. I know perfectly well what she's doing.
A: Cass, stop flirting. [Cassandra sulks]
Etc: ...My beautiful nymphs. Isn't it nice?!
OD, GRC, Cass: NO!!!
[Author glares]
OD, GRC, Cass: Yes of course!!!
Etc: Ooh good, there are some pretty flowers [Makes gagging noise but goes on] That I can weave into a garland for myself.
Jemima: How can you stand to say that?
Etc: The end of the play makes
it worth it. Look at the script.
[Jemima rushes off to otain a script from E-bay for knockdown
prices]
A: [Narrating] Suddenly there was a clap of thunder (???) and Hades appeared.
Tugger: [Grabbing Etc] Ha ha ha! I'm kidnapping you and you're gonna live with me in the Underworld for the rest of your life!!!!
Jemima: Oh, THAT'S why!!!
Etc: Ssh!! Help, help, save me mother!!! Excuse me, I CAN do karate you know!!
Tugger & A: You can???
Etc: Sure. Learned when I was tiny!
Tugger: How cool is that?!
Go girl!
A: Well tough for now. Go on!
Tugger: Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, isn't that Macavity's line?
A: Ssh! I borrowed it.
Jenny: It's copyright to ALW. Breach of copyright, breach of copyright!!! That means prison!
A: Sssh!
Misto: Nee naw, nee naw, nee naw, nee-
A: NOW what are you doing??
Misto: Being a police car! Nee naw, nee naw, nee n-
A: Police cars don't go "nee naw".
[Offstage] NEE NAW, NEE NAW, NEE NAW!!!
A: What was that?
Police car: Me. And I DO say "Nee naw", OK?
A: I'm going crazy. There's no such thing as qa talking police car.
PCar: You saying I don't exist?
That's contempt of the Law as well as breaking copyright. He's
currently in a critical condition at the hospital.
[Ring ring!]
A: Please ensure that all mobile phones are switched off, thankyou.
PCar: Oh hello Doctor. Yes. He's recovering. Oh. Oh, Isee. Yes. OK, I'll see to it. Thankyou, bye. [Looks at Author] That was the doctor. Mr Copyright has just died. I arrest you on a charge of Manslaughter and I shall suggest that you be dealt with in the severest manner possible.
A: Not guilty, not guilty!!! [Looks at cats] Help me! I did't do it!
Munk: But you did. We're all witnesses.
Victoria: I've always wanted to see an execution.
A: Execution. [Trembles] Etcetera....please???
Etc: What a dire, dreadful, horrid, obnoxious, catastrophic situation you're in. Poor thing!!
A:But I let you be Persetcetera!!!
Etc: [Smiles smugly at Author, who notices thta Tugger is now grooming her] And??
A: You, you, you...
Etc: Excuse me. [Leaves, Tugger in tow]
A: Mima???
PCar: Come on now. Don't make any trouble or it'll be the worse for you!
A: [Screaming] I DIDN"T
DO IT!!!!!!!
[Author is dragged off kicking and screaming]
Part 2
A: Ready? It's Demi's speech now.
Cats: [Except Misto] Huh?
Victoria: I thought you were going to be executed. Or electricuted. Or exorcised. Or-
A: No. [Beams at Misto] Of course not.
Victoria: [Noticing where Author's looking] Misto?
Misto: Yeah?
Victoria: Explain how SHE got free!
Misto: I set her free.
Victoria: WHAT??????? YOU set her FREE????!!!!!
Misto: Er...yes.
Victoria: How COULD you???? I thought you loved me, Misto! You said you loved me!
Misto: Er...no.
Victoria: [Too enraged to listen] You love me and you DARE set that FIEND free?????!!!!
Misto: [Standing close to
Jemima] Er Vick....could you listen a sec? [Gag appears on
Victoria] Thanks. Look, I like you very much and everything,
but the fact is I'm with Mima. I never said you and me were...well
anything but friends. Sorry Vick, I didn't know you thought I-
[Somehow Victoria has got the gag off]
Victoria: REJECTED???!!!!! ME, REJECTED???? I'm prettier than HER!!!
Misto: No you're not.
Victoria: I am, I am, I'm prettier than all the queens!!!!!!
Mungo/Tugger/Munk/Skimble:
Oh no you're not!!!!!!
[Runs off screaming]
Macavity: [A bit late] Oh no you're not!!!!!![Other cats stare] I LOVE YOU LINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: What?
Bomba: WHAT?
Macavity: What d'you mean "what?"?
Bomba: That line's meant to be "I love you BOMBA"!!!
Macavity: Why? I don't love you. Lina is my heart's desire!!!
A: What?????
Bomba: [In tears] Freddy darling, don't leave me!!
Cats: Freddy?
Macavity: Oh sh-
Jelly: Beep!
Munk: Freddy?
Macavity: NO!! Bother you Bomba.
Munk: ARE you called Freddy?
Macavity: Will you still love me Lina, if I'm called Freddy?
A: I never said I loved you at all!
Macavity: But I love you! And my name IS Freddy!
(See "Confesions of a Criminal Cat" if you don't understand the fact that Macavity is Freddy's pseudonym)
A: Well I don't love you!
Macavity: Oh horror! Oh despair!
A: No, I mean, I love you!
Macavity: Oh joy! Oh rapture!
A: No, I mean, I mean....Oh Heaviside, the baddie in a fic isn't SUPPOSED to fall in love with the author.
Macavity: I'll reform. I'll do anything!
Bomba: FREDDY!!! [Beside herself with grief and pain] (It's an expression, ok?) [Dagger appears in her hand] Since I cannot live without you, I must die! Farewell! [Is about to stab herself]
Macavity: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! [Tears the dagger from her hand]
Bomba: What???
Macavity: I thought I loved Lina, I did, but if Bomba dies, I shall die to too. I love you Bomba!!!
A: WHAT???
Bomba: Oh Freddy! [Faints into his arms]
Macavity: Oh Bomba! (She can't
hear you. She's fainted, you idiot!)
[Macavity carries her tenderly away]
A: Oh well! [Philosophical] His whiskers'd probably scratch you if you tried to kiss him.
Demeter: ???
A: Oh sorry, talking to myself there. Go on Demi.
Demeter: I have lost the person I love best in the world.
A:[Groans in agony] Please skip that bit, it's hurting my inside. Skip to "I will go".
Demeter: Ok. I will go to Zeus, my brother, and ask for her back.
Munkustrap: [Wearing toga] I cannot-
Tugger: Hey, I like the skirt.
Munkustrap: This is a TOGA. The Greeks wore them.
Tugger: No fashion sense, these ancients. Tut tut.
Electra: Actually, it was the Romans who wore togas. The Greeks wore kritons.
Munkustrap: I think you'll find it's-
A: Say the lines please.
Munkustrap: I cannot [Trips over toga hem] Oh by the hem of my toga and Zeus's left sandal strap!
Tugger: You what?
Mima: No beep!!!
Munkustrap: Huh?
Mima: Jenny! She didn't beep the swearing out!
Munku: Oh yeah.
Tugger: Cool! So what does that.....?
Mima: Oh never mind. GEt on with play.
Munkustrap: I cannot-
Mima: Why not?.....Oh uyeah, that's in the script isn't it? Ok, sorry, Lina stop glaring at me.
Munkustrap: I cannot-
Cass: Ow!!!
Etc: Ow!!!
Mima: Ow!!!
Demeter:Ow!!!
Tantomile: Ow!!!
[They're all grabbed by henchcats]
Victoria: [Offstage] HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
Macavity: [Offstage] Hey! Who's nicked my speakers?
Victoria: [Comes in] HA HA HA HA!!! I HAVE. YOU ARE ALL IN MY POWER. MACAVITY'S HENCHCATS NOW FOLLOW ME. UNLESS YOU SUBMIT, YOUR QUEENS WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Etc: Do not submit! We'll die for you! I love you Tugger!
Tugger: I love you Cetty!
Etc: I love you Tugger!
Misto: Hey, that sounds like something out of "Noughts and Crosses".
A: Have you read it?
Misto: Of course I have. I loved it!!!
A:Yeah, me too. D'you remember the bit where they blow up the shopping mall?
Misto: And Callum gets Sephy out?
A: And it's SOOO sad!!!
Victoria: Blowing up a shopping mall? Cool! Not a bad idea!
Misto: I nearly cried at the hanging.
Victoria: Hanging? Cool!
A: I cried buckets over it!!
(Author wishes to make it clear that she only cries in films
and never books. This is a piece of artistic license for the
sake of the story)
Misto: That is such an amazing book!
Vick: Mistoffelees, GIVE ME THAT BOOK!!!
Misto: Um...I hate to tell you this, but the last copy in the world was in the library you just set fire to and unless I'm much mistaken, it's now extinct!
Cats: She set fire to the library?
Mima: Sacrilege!!!
Victoria: Oh no, I mean, yes,
I mean, quick, call the firebrigade. We have to get it out. I
didn't mean to kill it.
[Runs towards library and disappears into flames]
[Plato runs in]
Plato: Where's Vicki?
Misto: In the library, looking for a book.
Pkato: She'll die! I borrowed that book. It's in my den. Help, help![Runs after her] Vicki, I love you!
Misto: Uh oh!
Demeter: Um...could you hench cats PLEASE let go of us.
Chief Hench Cat:Er...yeah, alright madam, my pleasure to oblige.
Dmeter: Um, thanks a lot.
[Demeter runshes to Munkustrap. The other couples embrace]
Chief HC: No-one ever loved me.
Jelly: Not even your mother?
Chief HC: No. She disappeared when I was 5.
Cats: Awwww.
Chief HC: Her name was Jennyanydots.
Cats: Jennyanydots???
Chief HC: I'll fetch her!!
[Enter Jenny]
CHief HC: MOTHER!!!!!!!!
Jenny: Ernie!!! I thought I'd
lost you forever!!!!
[They hug]
Cats: For she's a jolly good
fe-e-loooooaaaaa!!!!!!!
[Enter Tugger and Etc dressed for a wedding]
Etc: I know we're cutting straight to the end of the play, but......
Mima: For he's gone and married
Cet Yum
Tugger: Cet Yum
[Victoria and Plato approach. Victoria's fur is now black
and sooty, but she looks blissful!!!]
Mima: Your anger pray bury
For all will be merry
I think you had better succumb
Cats: Cumb, Cumb
Mima: And join our expressions of glee
[Author looks about to protest about Victoria and Plato, but...]
Plato: On this subject I pray you be dumb
Ctas: Dumb, dumb
Plato: Your notions though many
Are not worth a penny
The word for your guidance is "Mum"
CHief HC: Mum, Mum
Plato: Vick's a very good bArgain in me.
Cats: On this subject we pray
you be dumb
Author: Dumb??? Dumb???
Cats: We think you had better succumb
Author: Come, come!
Tugger: You'll find there are many
Who'll wed for a penny
There's lots of good fish in the sea (like me!)
[Cetty scolds him]
Misto and Jemima: The threatened
cloud has passed away
And brightly shines the dawning
day.
What though the night may come too
soon
We've years and years of afternoon!
Cats: Then
let the throng
Our joy advance
With laughing song
And merry dance
With joyous shout, and ringing cheer
Inaugurate our new career!
[All couples embrace. Skimble reappears to claim Jelly. Electra and Admetus pair up. Bomba and Macavity come in together]
Jemima: [To Misto] I didn't know you knew GandS.
Misto: I lovbe it. SPECIALLY the Mikado!
Mima: Me too.
[They embrace] [Mungo and Teaza appear]
Teaza: What in 'ell's goin' on?
Mungo: looks like a universal 'appy ending!!!
Teaza: Well, let's join in!
[They embrace]
Hey, guess what?
Yep, it's:
The End!
NOTE: The Mikado song does not belong to me, though I wish
it did. Nor does the plot of "Noughts and Crosses".
Nor do the Cats. But this story is all mine!!! And for those
who are interested, Old Deuteronomy spent the entire time asleep
on the Vicarage Wall, Grizabella is up at Heaviside, so's Gus
and Exotica is working in the local Tesco's. For those still
interested, Coricopat and Tantomile are around as you should
have noticed, they just don't talk. Bustopher J is at the Siamese
playing Black Jack, Tumblebrutus, Asparagus, Alonzo, and Pouncival
have gone to re-sit their GCSE's (General Cat Superiority Exams)!!!